One year ago today was my "due date". I had it circled in my planner in red, a smiley face next to it, and the words "haha". From the beginning I knew I'd go late. Mom had with me, this baby had shown no interest in making descent preparations (I'd had maybe one Braxton Hicks my whole pregnancy) and even though the EDD was later than what I would have put it at knowing the date of conception, I figured she'd be a week or so late even for the medical one. I thought it would be nice to see her but didn't expect it, went to an appointment where my midwife confirmed no action, and went on my way. Walking 3-4 miles every day, drinking gallons of red raspberry leaf tea, starting homeopathics of black and blue cohosh, acupuncture (never again!), chiropractor, pounds of tart lemon cupcakes, a whole pineapple every day....if there was any labor induction method (other than castor oil) you can be sure I tried it. But she didn't come the next day, or the next, or the next week, or the week after.
At 2 completed weeks past due, my regular midwife was on vacation and the one I saw refused to see me again unless I got inducted. I was told the MD's wouldn't see me either and then, despite perfect NST's, was preached at about how my placenta was already deteriorating and what a high risk I was running of suddenly killing my child and possibly myself. Of course, looking back, I wish I had just flipped her off and left and been confident in myself and this strong little babe who had already survived a heavy bleed at 6 weeks and was clearly announcing she was fine and comfortable in her present condition. But I instead freaked, and cried a ton, and called every support I could think of, and they all finally agreed maybe induction was best. With promises that I would be holding my baby "this time tomorrow" we went to the hospital at 2000 on Monday April 25th.
Steve kept a running tally of sorts on his ipod so I could track my meds. It's not complete but I think I'll just record here what was said and fill in if needed:
4/25 (Monday) 2300 Cervidil in. Wait 1hr to drink 2hr to eat. 2hr to get up. Mer waited one hour to get up.
(Precedent set here. they would give me the protocols to read and then I'd push for some leniency. All in all the nurses were great; they let me off the monitor and out of the hospital when they shouldn't, but to be so tied down, first to the monitor and then to the iv, and also by the fact you felt depowered and institutionalized was by far the worst part of this whole thing)
4/26 (Tuesday) Mer slept well. Feels minor cramps but in good spirits. (lists changing of the nurses and midwives) 2nd dose of cervidil. Midwife can get finger into cervix and says it's started to soften. Small dose of ambien at 2200. (So, I'm starting with a completely unfavorable cervix. Absolutely no dilation or change, baby not descended. Not a good candidate for induction. And yes, I just spent my entire day watching the clock waiting for meds, waiting to be unhooked, waiting for horribly painful internal exams only to be told "no change")
4/27 (Wednesday) 0130 Cervidil out. 0300 Miso in. 0930 50mg PO Miso (the abortifactant). Then Steve went home for more laundry since we'd run out and leaves a hysterical, personal note to himself about where everything is to be found and the order in which to get stuff. There are two more doses of Miso given in here. I've taken the max dose of everything they have. Sometime this evening I'm started on pitocin but strangely enough we didn't record the time. Probably after the 2300 cervical check that showed 1.5cm dilated and 80% effaced (they were being generous).
4/28 (Thursday) No change. Water manually broken at 1030. Lots of fluid. And some meconium. (Through this all Henri was a champ. No decels, some nice accelerations, a lovely happy strip. And I'm not saying that because it's what they told me, I was reading the strip all day since I had nothing better to do. Except monitor my IV and wander the halls. The unit was very busy with moms actually having their babies, so Steve and I were on our own most of the time. That was OK, but on Thursday when the contractions were really awful, not so nice. Anyway, starting about 1300 contractions were really hurting and there was no way of getting comfortable. The monitor showed q2-3 mins, but I felt like they never stopped, they'd just get worse every few minutes. Finally the afternoon nurse stopped in to see me and got me a heat pack which kinda helped, but by the time the evening nurse showed up I was at the window contemplating jumping. She hustled me into a warm bath and I guess I stayed there, with occasional walks, for the next 8 hours. Time sorta stops at this point. Just lots of pain and discouragement whenever there was a cervical exam)
1830 No change in cervical exam, pitocin upped again. Mer has been on Pitocin for 18 hours
2330 Mer exhausted, epidural in
4/29 (Friday) Epidural in effect normally. 0830 Mer got 1.5 hour nap. 1030 exam was 3.5cm. 1100 sharp back pain, epidural rebolused. 1530 exam was 3.5. Internal monitor placed for 2 hours. Horrible back pain, feels like my urethra is being ripped out. (Notes pretty much end here which is nice of Steve.)
I was feeling like I had to urinate badly and just wanted everything out of me NOW. The Pitocin was past the hospitals allowed maximum dosage and in fact was at the top of the manufacturers allowed dosage. We'd hit the end of the line for meds. Also felt this desperate need to sit up which I couldn't do with the epidural. My favorite nurse wasn't assigned to me but stopped by and I jumped her (as much as I could lying down). Begged, threatened, I don't remember. But I wanted everything out, I was done, get this kid out NOW. The room was suddenly filled with people, I was headed for my c-section and I was fine with that. Called Mom to give her the heads-up, signed everything without reading it (who ever does??), felt bad for Steve who was clearly scared, felt like a horrible person for giving up so quickly, was insanely nauseous and couldn't stop shaking-my jaw ached for days after this. Once in the OR time again didn't seem to matter. I couldn't feel sharp but felt like they were ripping her out through my urethra. From comments and the time it took she was wedged in there pretty well in complete OP. Clean up took awhile because I hemorrhaged. Funny, I was so worried about that during pregnancy, and then every one who came into the room on Friday told me they had meds in their pocket because, with all the drugs I had on board, they knew I was going to. Least of my problems. Actually, it was probably a good thing I had less blood in me for when I had the clots; more blood, bigger clots, most definitely bad outcome.
Then, it was all over. They held her up and Steve announced it was a girl and I called her my Boo. The only part of the birth plan that happened, so I'll cherish that memory. He went to the warmer with her to clean her up and hold her. I never heard her cry but everyone said she was. Someone was always sitting at my side holding my hand; my doula, the midwife, Steve. Then they put her on me but I was scared she'd fall and I couldn't see her so Steve held her near me and we stared. And she had these big brown eyes and was smacking her lips but I couldn't nurse her yet so Steve held her close and we just talked. And then we were in our room again but Henri never latched so we snuggled skin to skin. And then called everyone. And then to our postpartum room and Henri went for a bath with Steve and I hemorrhaged again and the surgeon threatened another surgery so I stopped bleeding. And then I was awake all night holding her (even though the nurses said not to) and she was so cute!
The rest followed your normal postpartum course; folks to see her, my family and Steve's family, my mom stayed the week (so thankful for that!), H never latched right and we struggled with breastfeeding for 5 very agonizing months before we got it, 2 PE's and a leg clot that landed me in the hospital 2 weeks after her birth for another week, scar that healed great and wasn't nearly as painful as I was expecting, and a baby that was perfect and adorable and tiny and is growing up way too fast.
It's taken a long time to feel any gratitude for the birth experience we had. For the longest time I could see nothing but wrong decisions and regret and replay every conversation, every action. While I would still love to redo it (stay home this time!) I can finally say that I have a healthy (mostly) happy baby and that's what matters most. So I'll take today, the anniversary of her due date, to think about what could have, should have, been but I'll be cleared to only rejoice at the life we've been given come two weeks when we celebrate her very first birthday. Love you, Boo!
And because it wouldn't be a post without a few pictures!
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| Monday night, all dressed up with no where to go |
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| Tuesday morning stroll (I calculated how many times I had to walk the hall to make a mile and did that 3 times a day. the nurses must have hated me) |
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| Still thinking we'd be a threesome by the end of the day |
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| View from our room |
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| Thursday. Starting to feel pretty rough. That was my last canteen of red raspberry tea. |
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| Not sure you can see, but there are contractions coming every 2-4 minutes on that strip. Nice resting baby heart rate on the top line |
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| Show time! Steve suiting up |
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| Henri's 1st pict. See that major conehead? It went away right after birth, but she was really jammed and there was no way she was coming out vaginally in that position! |
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| Oh yeah, Steve got to cut the cord as well. |
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| Had exact same birth stats as I did; 7lb12oz and 21" |
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| Bit blurry, but I like it cause you can see how we just stared at each other. And yes, that's an emesis basin. There was nothing glamorous about this birth. |
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| Love how Henri just stared at Steve as well. They had a special bond right at birth and she usually prefers Steve over me |
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| Snuggling |
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| First family portrait |
-A husband that never left my side even when nothing was happening and was a quiet, steady encouragement the whole time
-2 homeless guys pitying me when I was out walking (in Steve's swim trunks and t-shirt, huge iv in hand and clearly not looking too hot)
-Recovering across the hall from our birth-classmates and getting to see their little girl
-Jess bringing me gorgeous flowers and the best cookies ever. I had no appetite for the first few weeks but these were amazing. I know now that when visiting anyone in the hospital, bring cookies.
-Speaking of cookies, I made the nurses chocolate chip cookies when I went in and it assured me royalty status. If you're planning to deliver soon, I highly recommend bringing a treat with you
-The impossibility of being on hands and knees in a bathtub (what felt right) and keeping an IV dry
-Having to change out my own IV fluids because the midwife didn't know how and the thing kept beeping
-Ambien is a.m.a.z.i.n.g.
-Total loss of modesty.
-Refusing transfusion (finally had had enough of interventions)
-A now very high tolerance to getting stuck with large bore needles
-Sunning Henri as much as possible so we could get her bilirubin level down and go home
That's about it. Not what I had wanted, not what I had dreamed about or imagined, but really, when does anything go the way you think it will? I'll certainly be a more empathetic midwife given my experiences, and it strengthens my resolve to let well enough alone.
4 comments:
So glad you shared your story with us. I love to read a birth story and they are each SO different. My first birth did not go as I would have written it either but glad I am not in charge of how the stories would go. :) Something I have learned is that when things don't go as we may have planned them it helps us to remember to pray for those that have had different birth experiences then ours. :) I am thankful that though different each of my children has a BIRTH story to tell. I enjoyed reading yours. Looking forward to hearing all about Henri's first birthday.
I loved reading your birth story!! I cannot believe Henri is 1, happy birthday to her! I haven't been the greatest commenter but I have been keeping up with your blog and always love reading about all your different activities each week. You have such a beautiful family! :)
It was my turn for tears! You did your birth story such justice and it is so amazing to read such an honest and detailed story... I hope that you don't second-guess posting all of this ever. I can tell you that, as another mother reading this, I can feel the things you felt on an incredible, heart level. Your story is a gift to other women. For one thing, I have wondered so many times if I am just abnormally high strung and "difficult" because I still feel so disempowered and robbed by my birth experience. Your story reassured me and I went ahead and just wrote a list of reasons why the birth center didn't meet my expectations and I plan to have a discussion with my CNM at my prenatal appointment tomorrow! We will never have empowering, beautiful, healthy birth experiences if we don't demand them. I know what it feels like to feel grateful and robbed at the same time, and I'm not ashamed or sorry for feeling that way. I don't think I will ever feel any different, and that's okay... perhaps we can use these feelings as a catalyst for change. I wish I lived back on the east coast... I'd hire you as my CNM in a heart beat! You will be wonderful :) THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!!
Oh my goodness Meredith! I am so very sorry about all the difficulties you had to endure, though of course so very happy for the great joy of a wonderful, healthy, vibrant child in your life. I just found your blog last week and find it so neat to see you, Gen, Jenn, and I all connecting ;-) Your birth story really touched me though, as my birth was quite difficult as well. Many of your experiences reminded me of mine. If you are interested I wrote about mine here: http://stilltheflowersgrow.blogspot.com/2008/08/attempt-at-birth-story.html
The early bleed in your pregnancy also struck a chord--I was told I had a misscarriage at 6 weeks, which ended up not being true. Anyways, thanks for sharing. I think it is so important to talk about these things! At least it is important for me. All my best!
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