Glad I took picts

This week has been a bit of a blur. On Tuesday it seemed like I'd have plenty of time to get everything done, and now here it is Friday and all I remember is a lot of whining from Henri (we've hit the throwing a fit about EVERYTHING stage and it's a bit wearing). Fortunately, I took picts! Once again they're probably going to upload sidewise because I haven't read how to transfer them, but yay for my phone! I like to flip through it at the end of the day and remember what we did (because yes, my memory is so shot I don't remember the day much less the week).
So what did get done?
-Laundry
-Planted grass seed
-Scrubbed and disinfected the nasty fridge
-Cleaned the oven
-Taped and primed the fridge with magnetic paint (will overlay with chalkboard paint soon)
-Made Home Depot runs
-Cleaned the new bathroom and realized I need to rip out the entire sink and vanity, not just the mirror like I thought
-Received discouraging news from the various contractors we've had in giving us quotes (new floor, support system, bathroom and kitchen anyone?)
-Play group
-Homework
-Park
-Walks
-Supper on the table every night
-Free stuff! This week was 4 coffee creamers, bananas, 5 boxes Kashi granola bars and a box of Kashi cereal. Also got Pampers wipes for 50cents so that's pretty close.
A fun weekend is looming with my baby sister in town and then Papa and Allie for Sunday when we celebrate (drum roll please) Henri's 1st birthday!!!! Wow.

Fridge taped out

H at play group. No kids yet, just the old folks, but she enjoys them just as much

Really going to miss the parks in Cambridge. People just leave their outgrown Cozy Coupes and other such wonderful expensive toys I don't intend to get her but she loves

First time away from Henri for something other than an MD appt; went to S$'s and studied!

First time making wings. By the time I deboned them I didn't have it in me to eat them. Gag.

Wish I could flip these...Anyway, this is H after I made her get out of the mud puddle she'd been frolicking in while I planted and watered the grass seed. Might not be able to see here, but she used it as shampoo in her hair...

She's started making some of the faces her dad does and it's pretty funny

First band aide. She ran the door over her foot

S putting in a new basement window

Pasta is a big favorite around here. Let her have tomato sauce this time as well

Bobby is a big favorite right now and she goes everywhere with H

H continues to love the vest Aunt Anna got her

<>Baby goslings! They are so adorable for about 5 days and then I hate them again. Bad tempered nasty pooping hissing chasing machines. They seriously freak me out

Buy, buy, buy!

Very materialistic week we've been having. On Tuesday we bought a house. And then I bought an iPhone (this was actually a need for school; I prefer buttons over touch screens). Discovered that Market Basket knows nothing about keeping their prices in line with other stores and bought a huge amount of Happy Baby for Henri. Attended a Mary Kay party and bought skin stuff (possibly just power of suggestion, but my face felt awesome and had a lovely glow after the event). We've also added, despite trying to whittle down for the move, grass and garden rake, cleaning supplies, birthday gifts for Henri (because she soooooo needs more toys. not.), boxes and tape, and whole milk. The last tasted delicious.
That's been the week. Buying stuff, packing stuff, making lots of lists and losing them, playing with Henri.

Who, by the way, added the new trick of "blowing a kiss" last night at bedtime. Steve always blows her one as I carry her to bed to nurse and tuck in and last night she did it back with no prompting. So cute, and of course our raving about it made her keep doing it, even when I was trying to nurse her. You could see the wheels spinning; "First rubbing my chest and now sticking out my arm. These people go nuts over the weirdest things. Maybe I should try imitating what they're doing more often". I guess now would be the time to get serious about teaching her sign if I'm going to. I started on "milk" today so maybe she'll start asking instead of just pulling down my shirt. Any suggestions for what else? We've been working on "thank you" and "amen" (for after meal time prayer) but she hasn't used them yet.

Most of these picts are off the phone which I have yet to learn to use properly and uploading was rather hodgepodge so my apologies:

Toddler fashion; she wanted the sweatshirt, hat and only one bootie on. We're starting to get comments when we go out....

Allie's farmers market on Saturday

Henri likes to climb into places and get stuck

Ogunquit! She loved all that sand everywhere

Plopped herself down every foot or so to dig and fling sand

Freezing water didn't faze her a bit

She was filthy and soaked and extremely ticked when we made her leave

New house the day we bought it. Sorry, can't seem to get it to rotate :(

The packing begins in earnest. Henri has learned how to use her car seat to climb on top of all these boxes.

Adorable outfit from Aunt Anna

Bellies are a big deal around here right now. She loves to pull up my shirt and tickle me

New sun hat! And the cooperative model...

Mary Kay party with consultant making over the hostess

Setting up for the Ladies Fellowship tomorrow

Trying to see herself on the camera

Again, won't flip (sorry). Was very good considering her schedule was so off

Nothing she likes more than checking herself out on screen :)

This coming week promises to be a busy one (they all do, don't they?) with a pressing need to get school work done, eye exam (first one in many years, yay!), hopefully play group, and lots and lots of house stuff. I'll try to figure out my camera before next Friday :)

Beginnings, again

So, the semester started on Monday. I participated in roll call, introduced myself in the forums, wrote all my due dates down....and read exactly 4 papers. I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever for either of these classes. I realize that's not what you want your future midwife to be saying, and hopefully it passes, but conducting survey research isn't my thing (totally made up all my data in chemistry...in high school of course, but still...) and the subtleties that comprise antenatal testing, as well as STI's, are completely jumbled with the variability's of  LH levels in my head right now. It might have something to do with the fact that one morning coffee didn't happen and then I decided to see how long I could go without it, and the start of the semester is not a good time for this. I'm back on my drugs (with a new creamer; caramel machiato!) so life should stabilize soon.
Though small, it seems like there are a lot of things starting around here. A few that spring (get it? Spring?) to mind are:
-Henri finally signing "please". I've rubbed my chest raw and she always looks at me like I'm crazy. After church on Sunday I was told by the nursery staff (the beloved Mrs and Mr M) that she'd mooched all the goldfish off the Mr but kept doing this hand motion; was I teaching her sign? Didn't believe them and then Monday I told her to say please and she did it!!!! She'll only sign it once per object she desires and it's not fully consistent but it's a start. She's also picked up "more" though I don't know how since I deliberately did NOT teach her this.
-A cold. At 1901 on Tuesday H's nose started to drip. Not sure if it's teething (the 5th tooth is still working out) or a real illness but she's soaking wet and it's interfering with
-Sleeping through the night! 5 straight nights of 2000-0645. I was awake, but she slept through. So amazingly nice. Back to up 2x/night but the break was lovely.
-This is slightly premature as we don't sign until Tuesday, but we're beginning the trials and travails that belong to the home owner. I'm trying to get excited about this, but really it's scary. What if everything stops working? What if the neighbors play loud music all day and night? What if the yard is full of mosquitoes? What if it was an old drug house and former residents come back and murder us all? Actually, the last one concerns me the most. I'll be installing a few deadbolts on every door as well as windows and investing in a gun, mace, and a Rhodesian Ridgeback.
-Independent imaginative play. H has always been pretty good about entertaining herself for periods of time but now when I look in on her she's setting up her animals, putting hats on them, talking to them as well as using her blocks and other objects in ways she sees me using them. Guess that's more imitative than imaginative? Anyway, she also continues to love books and will throw one at me to read to her, or will sit on the floor and flip through till she comes to the page she likes best where she'll just study it.
-Expressing preferences on her clothing and food. Just now she brought me a hoodie she wanted on, and she's steadfast in her belief that goldfish are the only acceptable meal option out there. Mom says H looks like my sister Abi and I'm starting to think she might have her personality as well (which in the long run is great, it just means the toddler years are going to be, um, interesting).
-Picking up! Another one of those things I despaired of H ever grasping the concept of. This week she's finally starting to put her blocks back in the bag, legos in the wagon, etc and leave them there without throwing a fit. She's rather proud of herself (has to clap after each deposit) and already the place is looking a (tiny) bit neater. It's also revealed that she is definitely a righty; even if the object is in her left hand she'll transfer it before putting it down.
-Lastly, I'm beginning some crafting projects for the fall babies. I'm to be an aunt again, this time to Joe and Katie's baby (sooooooooooo thrilled!) and then a good friend kept quiet for 16 weeks! (little stinker) about her September blessing, so that means knitting! Actually, it means I went to Webb's and got the yarn and patterns and needles and then I'll cast on a row or two and give it to my mom to complete. It works out best for everyone when I employ this method.

Not too many pictures from this week as Easter was our camera day and I've posted those already. So, a few from yesterday of H just hanging out:

Anything that shakes is fair game right now

Acting coy

This is how most of my photo attempts turn out. She turns her back as soon as I try to take a pict or she runs around to get behind the camera to see what's going on

Refuses to wear hats now when it's cold, but they're super fun inside the house

Slowly taking possession of the one denied object in the house; our camera. Seriously, she has unlimited access to everything else but this is the thing she wants the most

Sunsets never look as good in pictures as they do in real life, but this was a lovely one

One year ago today

Warning: the following will be a wee bit graphic since I don't intend to use euphemisms. This was the birth we had, so I'll recount it like it was. There will probably be pictures, too.

One year ago today was my "due date". I had it circled in my planner in red, a smiley face next to it, and the words "haha". From the beginning I knew I'd go late. Mom had with me, this baby had shown no interest in making descent preparations (I'd had maybe one Braxton Hicks my whole pregnancy) and even though the EDD was later than what I would have put it at knowing the date of conception, I figured she'd be a week or so late even for the medical one. I thought it would be nice to see her but didn't expect it, went to an appointment where my midwife confirmed no action, and went on my way. Walking 3-4 miles every day, drinking gallons of red raspberry leaf tea, starting homeopathics of black and blue cohosh, acupuncture (never again!), chiropractor, pounds of tart lemon cupcakes, a whole pineapple every day....if there was any labor induction method (other than castor oil) you can be sure I tried it. But she didn't come the next day, or the next, or the next week, or the week after.

At 2 completed weeks past due, my regular midwife was on vacation and the one I saw refused to see me again unless I got inducted. I was told the MD's wouldn't see me either and then, despite perfect NST's, was preached at about how my placenta was already deteriorating and what a high risk I was running of suddenly killing my child and possibly myself. Of course, looking back, I wish I had just flipped her off and left and been confident in myself and this strong little babe who had already survived a heavy bleed at 6 weeks and was clearly announcing she was fine and comfortable in her present condition. But I instead freaked, and cried a ton, and called every support I could think of, and they all finally agreed maybe induction was best. With promises that I would be holding my baby "this time tomorrow" we went to the hospital at 2000 on Monday April 25th.

Steve kept a running tally of sorts on his ipod so I could track my meds. It's not complete but I think I'll just record here what was said and fill in if needed:
4/25 (Monday)  2300 Cervidil in. Wait 1hr to drink 2hr to eat. 2hr to get up. Mer waited one hour to get up.
(Precedent set here. they would give me the protocols to read and then I'd push for some leniency. All in all the nurses were great; they let me off the monitor and out of the hospital when they shouldn't, but to be so tied down, first to the monitor and then to the iv, and also by the fact you felt depowered and institutionalized was by far the worst part of this whole thing)
4/26 (Tuesday) Mer slept well. Feels minor cramps but in good spirits. (lists changing of the nurses and midwives) 2nd dose of cervidil. Midwife can get finger into cervix and says it's started to soften. Small dose of ambien at 2200. (So, I'm starting with a completely unfavorable cervix. Absolutely no dilation or change, baby not descended. Not  a good candidate for induction. And yes, I just spent my entire day watching the clock waiting for meds, waiting to be unhooked, waiting for horribly painful internal exams only to be told "no change")
4/27 (Wednesday) 0130 Cervidil out. 0300 Miso in. 0930 50mg PO Miso (the abortifactant). Then Steve went home for more laundry since we'd run out and leaves a hysterical, personal note to himself about where everything is to be found and the order in which to get stuff. There are two more doses of Miso given in here. I've taken the max dose of everything they have. Sometime this evening I'm started on pitocin but strangely enough we didn't record the time. Probably after the 2300 cervical check that showed 1.5cm dilated and 80% effaced (they were being generous).
4/28 (Thursday) No change. Water manually broken at 1030. Lots of fluid. And some meconium. (Through this all Henri was a champ. No decels, some nice accelerations, a lovely happy strip. And I'm not saying that because it's what they told me, I was reading the strip all day since I had nothing better to do. Except monitor my IV and wander the halls. The unit was very busy with moms actually having their babies, so Steve and I were on our own most of the time. That was OK, but on Thursday when the contractions were really awful, not so nice. Anyway, starting about 1300 contractions were really hurting and there was no way of getting comfortable. The monitor showed q2-3 mins, but I felt like they never stopped, they'd just get worse every few minutes. Finally the afternoon nurse stopped in to see me and got me a heat pack which kinda helped, but by the time the evening nurse showed up I was at the window contemplating jumping. She hustled me into a warm bath and I guess I stayed there, with occasional walks, for the next 8 hours. Time sorta stops at this point. Just lots of pain and discouragement whenever there was a cervical exam)
1830 No change in cervical exam, pitocin upped again. Mer has been on Pitocin for 18 hours
2330 Mer exhausted, epidural in
4/29 (Friday) Epidural in effect normally. 0830 Mer got 1.5 hour nap. 1030 exam was 3.5cm. 1100 sharp back pain, epidural rebolused. 1530 exam was 3.5. Internal monitor placed for 2 hours. Horrible back pain, feels like my urethra is being ripped out. (Notes pretty much end here which is nice of Steve.)
 I was feeling like I had to urinate badly and just wanted everything out of me NOW. The Pitocin was past the hospitals allowed maximum dosage and in fact was at the top of the manufacturers allowed dosage. We'd hit the end of the line for meds.  Also felt this desperate need to sit up which I couldn't do with the epidural. My favorite nurse wasn't assigned to me but stopped by and I jumped her (as much as I could lying down). Begged, threatened, I don't remember. But I wanted everything out, I was done, get this kid out NOW. The room was suddenly filled with people, I was headed for my c-section and I was fine with that. Called Mom to give her the heads-up, signed everything without reading it (who ever does??), felt bad for Steve who was clearly scared, felt like a horrible person for giving up so quickly, was insanely nauseous and couldn't stop shaking-my jaw ached for days after this. Once in the OR time again didn't seem to matter. I couldn't feel sharp but felt like they were ripping her out through my urethra. From comments and the time it took she was wedged in there pretty well in complete OP. Clean up took awhile because I hemorrhaged. Funny, I was so worried about that during pregnancy, and then every one who came into the room on Friday told me they had meds in their pocket because, with all the drugs I had on board, they knew I was going to. Least of my problems. Actually, it was probably a good thing I had less blood in me for when I had the clots; more blood, bigger clots, most definitely bad outcome.
Then, it was all over. They held her up and Steve announced it was a girl and I called her my Boo. The only part of the birth plan that happened, so I'll cherish that memory. He went to the warmer with her to clean her up and hold her. I never heard her cry but everyone said she was. Someone was always sitting at my side holding my hand; my doula, the midwife, Steve. Then they put her on me but I was scared she'd fall and I couldn't see her so Steve held her near me and we stared. And she had these big brown eyes and was smacking her lips but I couldn't nurse her yet so Steve held her close and we just talked. And then we were in our room again but Henri never latched so we snuggled skin to skin. And then called everyone. And then to our postpartum room and Henri went for a bath with Steve and I hemorrhaged again and the surgeon threatened another surgery so I stopped bleeding. And then I was awake all night holding her (even though the nurses said not to) and she was so cute!

The rest followed your normal postpartum course; folks to see her, my family and Steve's family, my mom stayed the week (so thankful for that!), H never latched right and we struggled with breastfeeding for 5 very agonizing months before we got it, 2 PE's and a leg clot that landed me in the hospital 2 weeks after her birth for another week, scar that healed great and wasn't nearly as painful as I was expecting, and a baby that was perfect and adorable and tiny and is growing up way too fast.
It's taken a long time to feel any gratitude for the birth experience we had. For the longest time I could see nothing but wrong decisions and regret and replay every conversation, every action. While I would still love to redo it (stay home this time!) I can finally say that I have a healthy (mostly) happy baby and that's what matters most. So I'll take today, the anniversary of her due date, to think about what could have, should have, been but I'll be cleared to only rejoice at the life we've been given come two weeks when we celebrate her very first birthday. Love you, Boo!
And because it wouldn't be a post without a few pictures!

Monday night, all dressed up with no where to go

Tuesday morning stroll (I calculated how many times I had to walk the hall to make a mile and did that 3 times a day. the nurses must have hated me)

Still thinking we'd be a threesome by the end of the day

View from our room

Thursday. Starting to feel pretty rough. That was my last canteen of red raspberry tea.

Not sure you can see, but there are contractions coming every 2-4 minutes on that strip. Nice resting baby heart rate on the top line

Show time! Steve suiting up

Henri's 1st pict. See that major conehead? It went away right after birth, but she was really jammed and there was no way she was coming out vaginally in that position!

Oh yeah, Steve got to cut the cord as well.

Had exact same birth stats as I did; 7lb12oz and 21"

Bit blurry, but I like it cause you can see how we just stared at each other. And yes, that's an emesis basin. There was nothing glamorous about this birth.

Love how Henri just stared at Steve as well. They had a special bond right at birth and she usually prefers Steve over me

Snuggling

First family portrait

Things I could have mentioned but would make the story too long:
-A husband that never left my side even when nothing was happening and was a quiet, steady encouragement the whole time
-2 homeless guys pitying me when I was out walking (in Steve's swim trunks and t-shirt, huge iv in hand and clearly not looking too hot)
-Recovering across the hall from our birth-classmates and getting to see their little girl
-Jess bringing me gorgeous flowers and the best cookies ever. I had no appetite for the first few weeks but these were amazing. I know now that when visiting anyone in the hospital, bring cookies.
-Speaking of cookies, I made the nurses chocolate chip cookies when I went in and it assured me royalty status. If you're planning to deliver soon, I highly recommend bringing a treat with you
-The impossibility of being on hands and knees in a bathtub (what felt right) and keeping an IV dry
-Having to change out my own IV fluids because the midwife didn't know how and the thing kept beeping
-Ambien is a.m.a.z.i.n.g.
-Total loss of modesty.
-Refusing transfusion (finally had had enough of interventions)
-A now very high tolerance to getting stuck with large bore needles
-Sunning Henri as much as possible so we could get her bilirubin level down and go home

That's about it. Not what I had wanted, not what I had dreamed about or imagined, but really, when does anything go the way you think it will? I'll certainly be a more empathetic midwife given my experiences, and it strengthens my resolve to let well enough alone.